Someone posted this video of a Sad Cat's Diary the other day, and I laughed harder than is really reasonable watching it. Inspired by the hilarity of what is possibly the most accurate peek into feline thoughts ever, I wondered if similar ramblings run through Wyatt's mind throughout the day. I realize that he has been verbal since an abnormally young age, and therefore could express himself audibly should the mood strike him, but let's all pretend that he has consideration for my feelings and/or some sense of modesty that would only permit him to vent his true 7-year-old feelings into a diary. Here goes:
Monday, January 13, 2014
5:41am: Woke up feeling perky and excited to start the day. Ran to tell Mom about my crazy dream in which I could transform myself into various underwater animals. As usual, she started mumbling some nonsense about it not being daylight outside and sent me back to bed. I wasn't even tired.
7:00am: Was rudely jolted from a deep sleep by Mom running her hands through my hair...who does she think she is?..and ordered to the kitchen table. To protest this violation of my blessed slumber, I decided to flat out refuse to eat anything Mom offered me for breakfast. The lunatic threatened to let me starve, so I relented and ate a poptart. But I whimpered and moaned the whole time. The look of exasperation on her face was more than satisfying. I especially love it when she sighs.
7:45am: Does the insanity never stop in this house?! She made me brush my hair and my teeth. To repay this injustice, I waited until I was fully dressed and on the way to the car to announce the need to void my bladder. On the way to school, I was continually frustrated by Mom's complete refusal to look in the rear-view mirror at the amazing variety of poses that the lego man I found next to a fossilized french fry could manage. She has no appreciation for art.
11:20am: Ah, lunch time. Combined with recess, this is my favorite part of the day. I'm given just enough time to eat a total of nine sunflower seeds...savored individually, of course...while simultaneously distracting my friends from the mundane task of eating with a stimulating conversation about the possibility of alien life.
3:25pm: Finally, the school day is over! Started acting a total fool the moment I made eye contact with Mom at pick-up. It is taking every ounce of self-control I can muster to behave like an angel all day, but seeing the fruit of my labor is worth every hardship: that defeated look on Mom's face when every single adult with whom I've come into contact beams to her about how well-mannered and calm I am when she's not around....well, you just can't buy that in a store.
4:30pm: Wild Kratts time. Man, I wish I had a power suit. I'd totally turn myself into a whale. Or a shark. Or a spider. The possibilities are endless. Anyhoo, I noticed that Mom was trying to concentrate on her book while I was watching the show, so I made sure to hit the rewind button about every 10 seconds, shouting, "Mommy, LOOK!" repeatedly until she did. Seriously, how can she read a book while the Kratt Bros are on an adventure...? I'll make it my personal mission to culture a love for awesomeness in her, even if I die trying.
6:30pm. Dinner. What is it with adults and their obsession with eating? As soon as Dad came home, he and Mom teamed up to torment me. They insist that I must eat this gruel they call food. Why, oh why can't I just have two pickles, four black olives, and a bag of chips and call it a day? All of this nonsensical rambling about "balanced meals" and "you have to eat to live" and "use your fork." Sigh. They're monsters. I wonder if any of my friends have to deal with this type of nagging.
7:00pm: Yay! Bath time! Aside from the whole getting scrubbed with soap thing, baths aren't too bad. I've been perfecting my technique of using my eyedropper as a squirt gun over the past two weeks, and tonight I actually managed to spray water all over the far wall and door! That's got to be at least 5 feet away! And I was getting really consistent at hitting the doorknob right before Mom came in and confiscated the eyedroppers. Wench. I peed all over the entire toilet...lid, seat, handle, you name it...to punish her.
8:00pm: Family time. I chose Sorry, pretty much because both Mom and Dad hate that game. I viciously sent both of them back to Start every time I drew a Sorry card, every time selecting the piece closest to home. Totally delayed bedtime by 15 minutes. Victory was mine.
8:45pm: I stalled bedtime as long as possible, but every day must come to an end...even the great ones. I supervised to make sure Mom got my bedtime routine done to my liking...had to remind her of the correct placement of my dreamlight again. Seriously, how hard can it be to remember to align the stars on my ceiling so that none touch the fan? I didn't like her tone of voice when she said our night-night farewell, so I made her do it three times. Then, for good measure, and because I kinda missed her face, I called her back down the hallway approximately three minutes after she got comfortable on the couch. Told her a random fact about crickets, and then got another hug and kiss. You know, she really is a good mom. I just have to be patient with her, and as time passes, I'll have her trained.